


Be Cold

by timelesshour



Series: Deep Down [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Jo Harvelle (Mentioned) - Freeform, M/M, Mentions of Character Death, Professor Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2019-06-22 23:30:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15593187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timelesshour/pseuds/timelesshour
Summary: He wants to reach out and touch him, hug him, but he just stands there looking at green eyes, with the table separating them. Castiel feels a certain comfort and reassurance in the knowledge that there is something between them, even though deep down he knows it’s not really there.





	Be Cold

Castiel presses his palms over his closed eyes and sighs. He can feel exhaustion fill his body and wills himself to get up. He opens his bag and puts his laptop inside, trying to forget about the rest of the essays he has to grade and turns off the lamp on the desk. He makes a mental note to remember to tell Meg to send the email about the talk on Kafka to the students in his 20th century literature class, as he collects a stack of paper that he puts in a drawer to be forgotten.

He puts on his trench coat and slings his bag on his shoulder, before opening the door. He stops at the threshold as he sees a man sitting on one of the chairs in front of Megs’ desk. He freezes for a couple of seconds, but soon composes himself and turns around to turn off the lights in his office and lock the door. Then he turns back around and walks towards him, only when he is a few feet away does Dean lift his head and looks at him. Castiel takes a step back instinctively.

His heart jumps a little in his chest, he has never seen Dean like this before, well not that he has seen much of him outside his apartment. Nevertheless, Dean is always composed, or at least, Castiel has found this past few months, he wears a mask that gives people the impression that everything is fine and under control. So, seeing him in a chair with dry tears in his face and eyes so sad that make Castiels’ throat close up, makes him feel helpless and protective and he really doesn't want to dwell on that.

The stay like that for a while, just staring at each other. Then Castiel begins to walk towards the exit and after a beat he hears Dean get up and follow him out the building.

It's the end of September and even though it’s not that chilly outside Castiel feels the need to wrap the trench coat around him, but he resists the urge and walks towards his car. He doesn't know if Dean drove here, but he hopes he didn't, not in this state. He unlocks the car and sees Dean walk around to the passenger side and slip in. Ok, so he didn't drive, he feels somewhat relieved about that and he closes his eyes tightly for a moment, as if to collect his thoughts and emotions.

He places his bag on the trunk and then goes to the drivers’ side slipping in his seat and starting the car, pulling out of the parking lot.

Mussorgsky fills the car and neither of them says anything. Castiel waits for a huff or a roll of eyes for the music but the only thing he gets is silence. At a red light he steals a glance at Dean. He is staring out the window, still as a statue but the small rise and fall of his chest with every breath he takes. Castiel looks down at Deans hands and he can see them slightly shaking. He grips the steering will a little tighter and exhales through his nose slowly.

He parks on the garage at his apartment complex and before he even has the time to pull the keys out of the ignition, Dean is out of the car and walking towards the elevator. Castiel knows, understands and he wishes he was a little better at words, not that they mean anything right now, but just so he has something to offer other than silence. He takes his bag and walks towards the elevator, where Dean is waiting for him. Hands inside his pockets’, balled into fists. And Castiel knows he is digging his nails in his palms and he wants to reach and pull them out and say “Stop, don't hurt yourself”.

Instead, he stays silent and waits for the elevator to reach his floor. They step out and walk the small distance to his apartment. Castiels’ nose twists as he smells the lemon in the cleaning detergent his neighbour insists on using to clean the hallway, as if is not cleaned by the cleaning stuff. She is so preposterous.

He sighs and unlocks his door rather aggressively. He removes his trench coat and shoes, and leaves his bag there in the hall underneath the coat rack, and heads to the bedroom where he takes his blazer, tie and socks off as well. He moves to the bathroom and washes his hands and splashes cold water to his face. He runs his hands through his hair and avoids looking at the mirror.

He goes to the kitchen and sees Dean sitting on a chair drumming his finger idly on the table. He knows Dean hasn't eaten anything all day, it’s how he gets when something is bothering him or he is sad. Like that Tuesday when they learned that radiotherapy was in fact useless.

Castiel moves to the fridge and takes out a food container that has lasagne from yesterday and places it into the microwave. He takes the plates from the cupboard and places them on the counter, without turning to look at Dean. He feels weird, like things are moving slower, like his movements are slow even though he knows they aren’t.

The microwave dings and he takes the food container out, and puts the lasagne into the two plates.

“She’s going to die”

He almost drops the fork he is holding. Dean voice is rough and wavering and something has Castiels’ chest in its grip and its going to crash it. He grips the counter with his free hand and takes a breath.

They are talking about Jo and even though Castiel has never met her and only knows her by what Dean has told him, he feels a few tears in his eyes.

Suddenly, he is thinking about a garden and people, so many people, dressed in black and his mum saying “It’s the way things are, Castiel. Everybody leaves at some point”. And he remembers his nine-year-old self saying “But it’s too soon” and her replying with a sad smile “It always is”.

He doesn't know what to say to Dean and a voice in his head, that sounds like someone he doesn't want to think about right now, says “Nothing. Dean just wants to be around you”. Which is ridicules, Castiel isn’t someone who- He stops that train of thought and retrieves another set of cutlery from the drawer and places them on the table and looks at Dean, who is, again, already looking at him.

He wants to reach out and touch him, hug him, but he just stands there looking at green eyes, with the table separating them. Castiel feels a certain comfort and reassurance in the knowledge that there is something between them, even though deep down he knows it’s not really there.

Because Dean and Cas have crossed so many lines by now, that this feels so natural. And that should scare him, should make him want to say “This is not what we have. What we are”.

But instead he puts the plate in front of Dean and sits opposite of him and starts to eat. After a few seconds Dean starts as well.

They eat slowly, in silence, which is a stark contrast to what they usually do. They are loud and laughing and eat fast, just so they have something in their stomachs. This though, this is something different, it has an ordinance in it that neither of them has earned with each other and Castiel soaks in it.  It’s comforting and empowering in a way, even if it’s only happening because of something sad. And Castiel can see all of those things in Deans’ eyes as well and that reassures him and makes him feel more at ease.  

Something is changing between them or it already has, Castiel can’t tell and he doesn't think he minds.

Afterwards when they are laying in bed and all the that Castiel can hear is Deans’ breaths, he thinks about the time he enjoyed sleeping alone and how now, though he rarely admits it, misses Deans’ presence. He also thinks that this is the first time they are sleeping together without having sex and that makes his heart beat a little faster in his chest. Everything seems natural, like they have been doing this for years, like this is what they have.

Deep down he knows that this is what they had since the moment they walked through his apartment door that second night. But he doesn't ponder on that thought, like he would have six months ago. He just turns on his side and stares at Deans’ sleeping form until he too, falls asleep.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I might turn this into a series, I don't know yet :)
> 
>  
> 
> [notsortable on tumblr](http://notsortable.tumblr.com/)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> I feel like a breath tonight  
> The world around is not so bright  
> Green trees are grey and dark  
> I would run the dogs who bark  
> I know I'm just being hit by pain  
> I'm already betting on the game  
> \- Concorde


End file.
